Well here we find ourselves again, however this time with too much to say and 105 fever. So lets start at the beginning.
I am 4 hours away from the start of my holiday and for some insane reason have managed to catch the office bug in the last two days. Pray tell how am I supposed to deal with this? I am about to love many hours of holiday time to recovery.
I am not saying that you should fall sick during company time, god forbid this, I have been on the wrong side of this situations to many times to want to repeat it.
This is more about sod’s law; for those less educated it’s Murphy’s law, sod being a much more interesting person than Murphy the Irish New Yorker. It could be referred to as Karma for those spiritually inclined.
I am forced by taking vacation in the doubling of one of my colleagues workload, the company of course does not want me to work and pay me for vacation that I do not take, as it would amount to me taking it twice.
Now my preferred solution is that I get my vacation and that my silly customers learn that miracles come only sometimes and not all day every day. Well at least the miracle box machine needs to refuel sometimes.
Ok enough about the boring stuff... let us talk about advertising. I was walking down the tube ( Metro) the other day admiring the adverts, they are posters. Posters are inoffensive and to be frank the only form of advertising I enjoy.
To my horror I saw a poster for one of our ex-squadies turned pop star’s new album; this brought forth this unique thought, here we go suicide music round two. Yes depressing no? I don’t want to see depressing stuff on my tube walls.
A point of reference for the foreign people. James Blunt was a phenomenon after returning from war and making a song about being miserable, dumped, random love etcc…. All the things an Englishman should never talk about. English men have no emotions, do not show or express emotions, certainly not in public.
Needless to say he was a success with our emotion starved chavy women. Hence why he decided it would be a good idea to do another sing song. I don’t want to hear his new woes. Maybe he will sing about how now he is famous he can’t go to war anymore because all the enemies of the state will recognise him and shoot him for being a queer emotional whore. The truth is no one likes him and our soldiers would probably get rid of him and blame the enemies for being the first soldier to be WEAK.
Other exciting adverts include, the opera, mobile phones, the theatre and you guessed it charity. IF charity firms can pay to advertise, then why don’t they just save the money and use it for a good cause? A real charity will not need to advertise.
Signing Off
Lemon Tree man
Friday 19 November 2010
Friday 5 November 2010
The Joy of News
In a world where scandals and disasters are the feeding force that our readers required, we wonder at the potential for happiness.
Today the news talks about engine failure in an Airbus A380, how the new ink cartridge bombs were 17 minutes away from exploding, how the new alliance between France and England is relating to Nuclear testing and how this is bad and of course a comparison of our testing and Iran’s needs for testing. Notwithstanding some flag burning for good measure.
Let talk about the least useful item of news; flag burning. What exactly is the point of burning flags; we know that Americans pioneered this during the civil war. Now it seems it is a symbol of protesting nations to show hate for the west.
But what benefit do we get from burning these icons, which represent the pride of our respective nations? It is not only the other nations’ populace that indulge in this little habit but it has been seen done by our own people in our own country. The majority of these fire hazards are created by naturalized people who seem to be at odds with our culture.
But other than making bad smells and a mess that the street cleaners need to sort out, what benefit is there really?
Would it not be simply easier to vote for a different leader who will change policy? Oh yes I forgot, it is now part of human rights to vote, so this means that the criminals we have spent many months locking up are now free to vote. How can we vote to change when the people whom we decide should not be in society get to vote and make their lives easier?
Other than flag burning what kind of protest can we make? My belief is if you burn flags you do not deserve to be part of a nation, you simply are no educated enough to have the benefits of being part of a society.
How would people feel if we started burning their flags just because we could? It would be a public outcry and we would be branded as being barbaric and inconsiderate. So why does this not work both ways?
Does it always need to boil down to jealousy? I want what you have but can’t have it so I will make sure you don’t get to enjoy it either?
Despite all the long meaningless text there is a reason why I am talking about this. I just find it frustrating that the news only talks about such inconsequential things.
Another example, if there are people stuck in a collapsed mine, the news does not report on the superhuman effort required by the rescue people who risk their lives to save the trapped miners, no the news reports that it took X time to get to them? Why do the reporters for five minutes not put down their cameras’ and microphones and help the diggers or get some refreshments for the rescuers so they don’t collapse.
All in all, this lets me claim that I don’t read the news. What is the point? I don’t want to know how much more misery there is in the world. Other people can tell me with great glee as it seems to be what drives them to have fun.
Let’s be honest with ourselves, if news is that important there is someone who will pass it on to us as they won’t resist telling everyone they encounter.
So help me change what we call news and aim for more cute kittens and success stories by boycotting depression.
Signing Off
Lemon Tree Man
Today the news talks about engine failure in an Airbus A380, how the new ink cartridge bombs were 17 minutes away from exploding, how the new alliance between France and England is relating to Nuclear testing and how this is bad and of course a comparison of our testing and Iran’s needs for testing. Notwithstanding some flag burning for good measure.
Let talk about the least useful item of news; flag burning. What exactly is the point of burning flags; we know that Americans pioneered this during the civil war. Now it seems it is a symbol of protesting nations to show hate for the west.
But what benefit do we get from burning these icons, which represent the pride of our respective nations? It is not only the other nations’ populace that indulge in this little habit but it has been seen done by our own people in our own country. The majority of these fire hazards are created by naturalized people who seem to be at odds with our culture.
But other than making bad smells and a mess that the street cleaners need to sort out, what benefit is there really?
Would it not be simply easier to vote for a different leader who will change policy? Oh yes I forgot, it is now part of human rights to vote, so this means that the criminals we have spent many months locking up are now free to vote. How can we vote to change when the people whom we decide should not be in society get to vote and make their lives easier?
Other than flag burning what kind of protest can we make? My belief is if you burn flags you do not deserve to be part of a nation, you simply are no educated enough to have the benefits of being part of a society.
How would people feel if we started burning their flags just because we could? It would be a public outcry and we would be branded as being barbaric and inconsiderate. So why does this not work both ways?
Does it always need to boil down to jealousy? I want what you have but can’t have it so I will make sure you don’t get to enjoy it either?
Despite all the long meaningless text there is a reason why I am talking about this. I just find it frustrating that the news only talks about such inconsequential things.
Another example, if there are people stuck in a collapsed mine, the news does not report on the superhuman effort required by the rescue people who risk their lives to save the trapped miners, no the news reports that it took X time to get to them? Why do the reporters for five minutes not put down their cameras’ and microphones and help the diggers or get some refreshments for the rescuers so they don’t collapse.
All in all, this lets me claim that I don’t read the news. What is the point? I don’t want to know how much more misery there is in the world. Other people can tell me with great glee as it seems to be what drives them to have fun.
Let’s be honest with ourselves, if news is that important there is someone who will pass it on to us as they won’t resist telling everyone they encounter.
So help me change what we call news and aim for more cute kittens and success stories by boycotting depression.
Signing Off
Lemon Tree Man
Trains
Most people I know dislike public transport, I am inclined to agree, it is dirty, crowded and inefficient as well as the most costly method of travel around our capital.
But sometimes, and this is very rare the trip becomes enjoyable, regardless of how many sardines get crammed into the can.
Why do you all cry out?
Well it is really simple, if you a people watcher, not pervert psycho who letches mind, someone who like to see the differences in people and what interesting behavioural patterns can be discerned; you will get to see some really nice or interesting people.
For example this morning I am presented with our regular gaggle of people, plus a few one timers.
So for the regulars, there is always one passenger who intrigues me. It is a she and she sits there holding her jesus phone about 10 inches form her face watching some program/tv show and makes faces. Sometimes its smirks, sometimes smiles all with an excess of frowning; while occasionally taking furtive glances at all the people round her.
I find this very amusing, for a number of reasons, why on earth would you want to watch anything on a jesus phone on the train and who on earth watches comedy at that time in the morning? Most people are just sitting there dreaming of their next cup of coffee; never mind summon the intellect to watch a TV programme.
The other interesting fact that I can discern, for all the train regulars, everyone has a preferred seat. So we all scramble in order to get said seats. It is very funny if I am honest, admittedly most of the regulars always gets seats as we all live so far out of the capital that we have no problem with sitting down for a long commute.
There is another regular on the train, who starts at my station and changes once with me and the get off to take a third train. This poor man takes at least 3 trains every day and every day he sits in exactly the same seat and nothing changes, he never reads the paper, never listens to a jesus phone or a zombie machine, just sits there half asleep smirking.
Then you have the larger lady that takes the same route as I everyday but refuses to talk to anyone, and just buries her face in her book all morning and phone people using her new model jesus phone.
Finally the gaggle of working mums and pregnant ladies who huddle and talk all the way into town and refuse to acknowledge anyone else unless they are pregnant…..
Just think this is just what I see from my station, what else you can see from yours? Why do you not all have a look see and tell me what fun and joy you can derive from the morning trip in to work and the homeward trip.
If there are people you see every day then I challenge you to say hello to them and see if they will talk to you.
Let me know of your successes and failures.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
But sometimes, and this is very rare the trip becomes enjoyable, regardless of how many sardines get crammed into the can.
Why do you all cry out?
Well it is really simple, if you a people watcher, not pervert psycho who letches mind, someone who like to see the differences in people and what interesting behavioural patterns can be discerned; you will get to see some really nice or interesting people.
For example this morning I am presented with our regular gaggle of people, plus a few one timers.
So for the regulars, there is always one passenger who intrigues me. It is a she and she sits there holding her jesus phone about 10 inches form her face watching some program/tv show and makes faces. Sometimes its smirks, sometimes smiles all with an excess of frowning; while occasionally taking furtive glances at all the people round her.
I find this very amusing, for a number of reasons, why on earth would you want to watch anything on a jesus phone on the train and who on earth watches comedy at that time in the morning? Most people are just sitting there dreaming of their next cup of coffee; never mind summon the intellect to watch a TV programme.
The other interesting fact that I can discern, for all the train regulars, everyone has a preferred seat. So we all scramble in order to get said seats. It is very funny if I am honest, admittedly most of the regulars always gets seats as we all live so far out of the capital that we have no problem with sitting down for a long commute.
There is another regular on the train, who starts at my station and changes once with me and the get off to take a third train. This poor man takes at least 3 trains every day and every day he sits in exactly the same seat and nothing changes, he never reads the paper, never listens to a jesus phone or a zombie machine, just sits there half asleep smirking.
Then you have the larger lady that takes the same route as I everyday but refuses to talk to anyone, and just buries her face in her book all morning and phone people using her new model jesus phone.
Finally the gaggle of working mums and pregnant ladies who huddle and talk all the way into town and refuse to acknowledge anyone else unless they are pregnant…..
Just think this is just what I see from my station, what else you can see from yours? Why do you not all have a look see and tell me what fun and joy you can derive from the morning trip in to work and the homeward trip.
If there are people you see every day then I challenge you to say hello to them and see if they will talk to you.
Let me know of your successes and failures.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Thursday 4 November 2010
Cultural Soups
So a fiend ( note not spelling error….) of mine has been suffering from pains of indescribable intensity; hence being forced onto a liquid diet.
Now in my world a liquid diet is great, we eat many beers… but I suspect they would not find it quite so noutricious.
So they put on their apron:
And started cooking a childhood staple, ABC soup. Now for me this means:
But for them it means:
Which in my book is sweet and sour soup :P not alphabet soup!
Ah well we will need to teach those strange people what the ABC looks like.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Now in my world a liquid diet is great, we eat many beers… but I suspect they would not find it quite so noutricious.
So they put on their apron:
And started cooking a childhood staple, ABC soup. Now for me this means:
But for them it means:
Which in my book is sweet and sour soup :P not alphabet soup!
Ah well we will need to teach those strange people what the ABC looks like.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Tuesday 2 November 2010
Needs of Others.
So today I have had to sit down and listen to things that annoy me. I cannot decide if it is because it requires a change of processes in work or whether or not I wish to remind someone that things are done differently here, or just because I know they are being annoying for the sake of being pernickety.
Now I am by nature a reasonable man and am fairly understanding of other peoples’ needs. At no point will I claim that I tolerate those needs or desires. I can see how people thin and behave and normally can foresee when something is going to be difficult.
Today’s task it seems is going to be so painful that I already wish to turn around and say no. In fact I will probably look at making their lives as equally difficult as they seem to enjoy making mine.
Call me petty, small, vile, it is of no consequence; should there comes a time when ‘being reasonable’ comes back into the picture then maybe I will be more understanding.
It is like my dinner, it is reasonable if uninspiring. It is not really what I want to eat but ‘circumstance’, the defrosting of said item means I am accepting of its needs and will vanquish insipidity with my stiff upper lip.
I will not however tolerate the waste of said dinner, similarly I don’t like my time being wasted, especially by other people who do not understand the implications of their demands. If I am to waste my time, then I should be able to decide when and how, after all it is my time.
Would you let other people waste your time and stamp their feet like little children because you do things differently from how they are used to?
I did not think so!
So why is it ok for them to do it with me. I have little enough time to waste during my working hours, so little in fact that my writing has suffered as a consequence. This irritates me no end but I do understand why it is necessary.
Does that make me overworked or an overzealous workaholic? Maybe I just must cure the I care about my work syndrome and be like everyone else and erstwhile moron who has no grasp of the English language.
Or maybe I should take a leaf out of my friends books and turn into a cynical pshychonaut who abuses the very fabric of peoples’ minds.
No I know I will buy a forest and go and live as a hermit, where the cares of others no longer become the preserve of my very existence.
You may wonder why all this bitterness, it boils down to simplicity. I can help anyone who wants to be helped. I will attempt to help people who are lost causes, ‘knight in shining armour syndrome’ is the correct term. Yet I am incapable of managing my needs and expectations.
Sound familiar?
Yes I love helping others so much that I don’t really remember how to help myself.
Does anyone have a tip on how to help me help myself? Please note no self help manuals…. You know who you are…
Signing Off
Lemon Tree Man
Now I am by nature a reasonable man and am fairly understanding of other peoples’ needs. At no point will I claim that I tolerate those needs or desires. I can see how people thin and behave and normally can foresee when something is going to be difficult.
Today’s task it seems is going to be so painful that I already wish to turn around and say no. In fact I will probably look at making their lives as equally difficult as they seem to enjoy making mine.
Call me petty, small, vile, it is of no consequence; should there comes a time when ‘being reasonable’ comes back into the picture then maybe I will be more understanding.
It is like my dinner, it is reasonable if uninspiring. It is not really what I want to eat but ‘circumstance’, the defrosting of said item means I am accepting of its needs and will vanquish insipidity with my stiff upper lip.
I will not however tolerate the waste of said dinner, similarly I don’t like my time being wasted, especially by other people who do not understand the implications of their demands. If I am to waste my time, then I should be able to decide when and how, after all it is my time.
Would you let other people waste your time and stamp their feet like little children because you do things differently from how they are used to?
I did not think so!
So why is it ok for them to do it with me. I have little enough time to waste during my working hours, so little in fact that my writing has suffered as a consequence. This irritates me no end but I do understand why it is necessary.
Does that make me overworked or an overzealous workaholic? Maybe I just must cure the I care about my work syndrome and be like everyone else and erstwhile moron who has no grasp of the English language.
Or maybe I should take a leaf out of my friends books and turn into a cynical pshychonaut who abuses the very fabric of peoples’ minds.
No I know I will buy a forest and go and live as a hermit, where the cares of others no longer become the preserve of my very existence.
You may wonder why all this bitterness, it boils down to simplicity. I can help anyone who wants to be helped. I will attempt to help people who are lost causes, ‘knight in shining armour syndrome’ is the correct term. Yet I am incapable of managing my needs and expectations.
Sound familiar?
Yes I love helping others so much that I don’t really remember how to help myself.
Does anyone have a tip on how to help me help myself? Please note no self help manuals…. You know who you are…
Signing Off
Lemon Tree Man
The Joys Of Aches
Today my hands ache. It is like mini arthritis. I cannot figure out if it is the cold, where it is really not that cold, the repetitive typing, or just my brain saying eat more healthily.
The reason we like the aches that any form of exertion gives us is because allows us to feel a sense of achievements. This however is not always the case, lots of people suffer those aches without feeling that sense of bliss that forms inside our sports mad acquaintances.
What about the people who suffer from chronic pains or people who are suffering from arthritis?
I find myself stuck in the middle, I suffer all of the above and at no point would I wish to lose the bliss of hard exercise but at the same time wish for the aches to end.
All that I get when my hands ache is that it will soon rain. Not an uncommon occurrence in the UK to be honest considering that on average we have 200 days of rain a year.
Yes 200 which is more than half. For those that live here we are astounded by the fact that this number is so big and for the tourists they are surprised at how small this number is. For visitors all this country provides is masses of rain and all our history and reputation and stereotypes are reinforcing the image of constant rain and drizzle.
As an example where in printed material do we see England as a sunny holiday town outside of our land? We are portrayed as a nation of umbrella toting bankers in grey pin stripe with bowler hats.
Really could not be more different, we are a nation of garishly obnoxious rich people and chavs. The poor middle classes are swamped by an excess of posh chaviness. This leads us to living in the past where the grass was most definitely greener.
So raise a glass to toast our past greatness and let us look to the future when we can hunt freely again, first culling the chavs, second culling the wankers and finally all the hippies, terror merchants, and other undesirables.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
PS before people wonder at what are the undesirables, I would ask them to think as to whom they believe are undesirable and append their names there. I cannot compile a list to suit all tastes as there would be no one left to enjoy our sacred land. Although should I be successful in my world domination plan then I would of course accommodate my needs only.
The reason we like the aches that any form of exertion gives us is because allows us to feel a sense of achievements. This however is not always the case, lots of people suffer those aches without feeling that sense of bliss that forms inside our sports mad acquaintances.
What about the people who suffer from chronic pains or people who are suffering from arthritis?
I find myself stuck in the middle, I suffer all of the above and at no point would I wish to lose the bliss of hard exercise but at the same time wish for the aches to end.
All that I get when my hands ache is that it will soon rain. Not an uncommon occurrence in the UK to be honest considering that on average we have 200 days of rain a year.
Yes 200 which is more than half. For those that live here we are astounded by the fact that this number is so big and for the tourists they are surprised at how small this number is. For visitors all this country provides is masses of rain and all our history and reputation and stereotypes are reinforcing the image of constant rain and drizzle.
As an example where in printed material do we see England as a sunny holiday town outside of our land? We are portrayed as a nation of umbrella toting bankers in grey pin stripe with bowler hats.
Really could not be more different, we are a nation of garishly obnoxious rich people and chavs. The poor middle classes are swamped by an excess of posh chaviness. This leads us to living in the past where the grass was most definitely greener.
So raise a glass to toast our past greatness and let us look to the future when we can hunt freely again, first culling the chavs, second culling the wankers and finally all the hippies, terror merchants, and other undesirables.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
PS before people wonder at what are the undesirables, I would ask them to think as to whom they believe are undesirable and append their names there. I cannot compile a list to suit all tastes as there would be no one left to enjoy our sacred land. Although should I be successful in my world domination plan then I would of course accommodate my needs only.
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