Better than pot holing as you don’t get stuck in dark dank caves. Today I feel like a pigeon, stuck in its lair. Well ok pigeons don’t really have lairs but evil people do so I am inventing the evil pigeon. But again this need to define things and justify my terminology means I am digressing again.
So why pigeon holing? Well it would appear that my readers, the few that have managed to put up with my filth, are expecting to find mostly amusing articles, the what and the why of the universe. People , wake up, I am not a comedian. I don’t write for your laughter. I write to express my innate understanding of the world and showcase my mental superiority. COWER MERE MORTALS AT THE IMMENSITY OF MY INTELLECT.
Did you all grasp that? Or do I need to reinforce the mental brainwashing using flashy lights and soothing white noise?
I admit that my texts are not of the quality found in our famous broadsheets but on the other hand they are available for nowt and are equally informative.
Today being the Monday of the week, my inspiration has dried up like most other things to be fair.
Oh on a side note, while indulging in public transport I sat watching the trees go by shrouded in early morning mist. The sight made me smile and memories of my favourite season ran into my mind. The cold is coming back and the end of summer is creeping up. YAY.
I’ll be back when I can think of something useful.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Tuesday 31 August 2010
Wednesday 25 August 2010
Podcasting: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Wannabe Adventure
So people I am only doing this to cement and force the hand of Ted into actually doing what Bill suggested a few weeks ago. So dear readers at some point in the near future we will have a podcast. The podcast will be for a recent computer game and hence will only be published on our sister site Lemontreemods.blogspot.com.
Anyhow what is a podcast I hear you say well here is the definition:
An online audio blog, made by people who typically sound like slightly camp nerds who most likely have no lives. It's pretty difficult to listen to one for more than about 5 minutes without laughing at them and then turning it off.
Oh cock that means I’m a geek and camp to boot….. how that marries with me being an out dated macho male for enjoying The Expendables. Oh dear society cannot decide what I am. This is terrible, what am I ever going to do.
I digress again, so yes podcasts. I suppose a podcast is a blog but of the audio kind. So this means that it’s the unknown audiophile’s version of a novel. Just like the blog a cheap way of publishing and getting free exposure in the hopes someone will notice you in amongst the masses of utter rubbish that get created. Does this mean we are reducing our attention spans by listening to trivial rubbish? Ah yes my attention span has drastically reduced because I am digressing again.
So here is a preview of the script for Bill and Ted’s Excellent Wannabe Adventure.
Bill: Welcome to our first joint games review. I am Bill Stalker coming to you from our Tal'darim studios
Ted: And I am Ted Raven. Today’s subject is a most serious review of Blizzard’s latest bestseller Starcraft 2
Bill: Spawn more Overlords
Ted: Bill how many times do I have to tell you be serious.
Bill: Sowry!
Ted: Clearly maturity is part of this review. After 12 years Blizzard have finally released the successor to Starcraft one of their bestselling games ever.
Bill: It is the start of a MOST EXCELLENT 3 part game.
Ted: Bill!
Bill: The first of the trilogy focuses on the terrans’ rampage through Middle Earth.
Ted: Bill!
Bill: OK OK. Anyway this is a classic RTS game with a bit of point and click and 8 bit goodness.
Ted: They have …. Blah Blah Blah
*sometime later*
Bill: Stalkers
Ted: Bill!
Bill: Well it was getting boring, it’s supposed to be a joint review not a monologue for the death and blind.
Ted: I will never do another podcast with you again!
Bill: Your off topic. EPIC FAIL!
Ted: And so ends a MOST EXCELLENT podcast review of Starcraft review.
As you can all see the script is a little rough round the edges and is certainly not funny; Will and Grace is funnier, even Friends allows for more humour. But as many people it is something we must try one, or twice until such a time as we have burned out everyone’s headphones.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Anyhow what is a podcast I hear you say well here is the definition:
An online audio blog, made by people who typically sound like slightly camp nerds who most likely have no lives. It's pretty difficult to listen to one for more than about 5 minutes without laughing at them and then turning it off.
Oh cock that means I’m a geek and camp to boot….. how that marries with me being an out dated macho male for enjoying The Expendables. Oh dear society cannot decide what I am. This is terrible, what am I ever going to do.
I digress again, so yes podcasts. I suppose a podcast is a blog but of the audio kind. So this means that it’s the unknown audiophile’s version of a novel. Just like the blog a cheap way of publishing and getting free exposure in the hopes someone will notice you in amongst the masses of utter rubbish that get created. Does this mean we are reducing our attention spans by listening to trivial rubbish? Ah yes my attention span has drastically reduced because I am digressing again.
So here is a preview of the script for Bill and Ted’s Excellent Wannabe Adventure.
Bill: Welcome to our first joint games review. I am Bill Stalker coming to you from our Tal'darim studios
Ted: And I am Ted Raven. Today’s subject is a most serious review of Blizzard’s latest bestseller Starcraft 2
Bill: Spawn more Overlords
Ted: Bill how many times do I have to tell you be serious.
Bill: Sowry!
Ted: Clearly maturity is part of this review. After 12 years Blizzard have finally released the successor to Starcraft one of their bestselling games ever.
Bill: It is the start of a MOST EXCELLENT 3 part game.
Ted: Bill!
Bill: The first of the trilogy focuses on the terrans’ rampage through Middle Earth.
Ted: Bill!
Bill: OK OK. Anyway this is a classic RTS game with a bit of point and click and 8 bit goodness.
Ted: They have …. Blah Blah Blah
*sometime later*
Bill: Stalkers
Ted: Bill!
Bill: Well it was getting boring, it’s supposed to be a joint review not a monologue for the death and blind.
Ted: I will never do another podcast with you again!
Bill: Your off topic. EPIC FAIL!
Ted: And so ends a MOST EXCELLENT podcast review of Starcraft review.
As you can all see the script is a little rough round the edges and is certainly not funny; Will and Grace is funnier, even Friends allows for more humour. But as many people it is something we must try one, or twice until such a time as we have burned out everyone’s headphones.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Stubbornity a New Word.
Today I have decided to invent a new work to describe a certain group of people.
Stubbornity
This is defined as being stubborn to the point of transmutable stupidity.
Is this possible, you ask, yes of course. How? Well it happens all the time, as an example today during my most terribly busy working day somebody asked a question that has been answered, dealt with and put into the never want to hear this again bin. Sometimes, things cannot change for whatever reason, normally because the cost of retraining all those factory workers is too high; so please don’t try to raise a mountain when you only have enough soil for a mole hill.
Now that I have eloquently defined this word I will get back to writing something that might be vaguely interesting.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Stubbornity
This is defined as being stubborn to the point of transmutable stupidity.
Is this possible, you ask, yes of course. How? Well it happens all the time, as an example today during my most terribly busy working day somebody asked a question that has been answered, dealt with and put into the never want to hear this again bin. Sometimes, things cannot change for whatever reason, normally because the cost of retraining all those factory workers is too high; so please don’t try to raise a mountain when you only have enough soil for a mole hill.
Now that I have eloquently defined this word I will get back to writing something that might be vaguely interesting.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Case of Culturalism
To be blunt, if you are looking for culture in this article stop reading.
As my birthing day is slowing creeping closer I have decided that I should at least use this as an excuse to do something that I have always wanted to do. I will go to the opera if it’s the last thing I do. So I ventured out into the land of the Interwebs and asked the all-knowing Google what choices. The all-knowing replied Goethe’s Faust or Puccini’s La Boheme. I responded with an ooh.
The next thing on the agenda was to see if I could find a willing victim to accompany me so I would not appear as a social pariah and have an excuse to dress up. So As I asked around the answer was ’Opera no’ apart from one ‘Sure’; now I was not asking for a date, I was enquiring at a cultural evening and an excuse to go out, without reference to the infamous birthing day. So the girls I asked refused some more viciously than others and in the end the only one who said yes was a bloke. A BLOKE! We are constantly being berated for being beer drinking Xbox addicts, yet when it comes down to the crunch we are the only ones who would go to the opera. This is double standards that are unacceptable. I am sure if I offered a free shopping day paid for by me the only people who would accept are women.
Can someone tell me what went wrong? Are we all so modern that we no longer enjoy the classics?
Ok I get to the point where I have a willing victim, time to get some tickets. Now I discover that all the good seats are sold out. Not only this, but the tickets require me to re-mortgage my house. So how can the masses ever be expected to go if we are charged so much? I understand the need for a fair price but I baulk at paying three times more than a regular concert. This won’t deter me as it is one of the things that I wish to do before I die.
Ah anyhow I am going to run off to buy them.
Does anyone else want to go? Tell me now and I will make sure the next time we see each other that we will have a mini adventure.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
As my birthing day is slowing creeping closer I have decided that I should at least use this as an excuse to do something that I have always wanted to do. I will go to the opera if it’s the last thing I do. So I ventured out into the land of the Interwebs and asked the all-knowing Google what choices. The all-knowing replied Goethe’s Faust or Puccini’s La Boheme. I responded with an ooh.
The next thing on the agenda was to see if I could find a willing victim to accompany me so I would not appear as a social pariah and have an excuse to dress up. So As I asked around the answer was ’Opera no’ apart from one ‘Sure’; now I was not asking for a date, I was enquiring at a cultural evening and an excuse to go out, without reference to the infamous birthing day. So the girls I asked refused some more viciously than others and in the end the only one who said yes was a bloke. A BLOKE! We are constantly being berated for being beer drinking Xbox addicts, yet when it comes down to the crunch we are the only ones who would go to the opera. This is double standards that are unacceptable. I am sure if I offered a free shopping day paid for by me the only people who would accept are women.
Can someone tell me what went wrong? Are we all so modern that we no longer enjoy the classics?
Ok I get to the point where I have a willing victim, time to get some tickets. Now I discover that all the good seats are sold out. Not only this, but the tickets require me to re-mortgage my house. So how can the masses ever be expected to go if we are charged so much? I understand the need for a fair price but I baulk at paying three times more than a regular concert. This won’t deter me as it is one of the things that I wish to do before I die.
Ah anyhow I am going to run off to buy them.
Does anyone else want to go? Tell me now and I will make sure the next time we see each other that we will have a mini adventure.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Tuesday 24 August 2010
A Video Review
I decided to venture out this weekend, into the land of cinema. With the plethora of ‘blockbuster’ films available, we picked the film that started as close to our arrival time and fate delivered us to the warm comforting bosom of ‘The Expendables’.
So the Expendables, a film made by Sly Stallone for Sly Stallone, was an interesting experience. An acquaintance summed up the films with excellent accuracy using social media, and I quote:
BOOM BOOM STALLONE BOOM BOOM WRITTEN BY STALLONE BOOM BOOM BOOM
To date it’s the best review ever!
Yes it is the best film I have seen in a long time. I did not require one brain cell to watch it. So pleasant it was, did I just drool like a zombie. Don’t misunderstand me I like intellectual films too, but 90% if the time the reason I watch something on a screen is because I require a break from mental activity.
Spoilers below, so close your eyes and count to 1000 if you don’t want to ruin your experience.
The story starts with night vision, pirates and hostages. The story ends with a plane flying away. The middle bit is about helping someone who had values. Being a mercenary clearly precludes you from having a soul.
There are a few really good moments though; the Bruce Willis and Arnie cameo was one of the best parts of the film. Dolf Ludgren played a very good character, well in my opinion that is, maybe it’s because I always had a soft spot for those swedes. Jet Li had also an excellent funny moment. Statham well was the transporter with a really bad script.
Apart from this there are some pretty explosions and a monster BOOM STICK moment but there is nothing that would strike you as wow or memorable.
So do you need to go and watch this? Well yes because if you are ever going to waste ninety minutes of your life you won’t get a sense of scale with a small TV. If however you realize that watching this will kill all your brain cells in once instant go watch something else such as Toy Story 3 or Inception.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
So the Expendables, a film made by Sly Stallone for Sly Stallone, was an interesting experience. An acquaintance summed up the films with excellent accuracy using social media, and I quote:
BOOM BOOM STALLONE BOOM BOOM WRITTEN BY STALLONE BOOM BOOM BOOM
To date it’s the best review ever!
Yes it is the best film I have seen in a long time. I did not require one brain cell to watch it. So pleasant it was, did I just drool like a zombie. Don’t misunderstand me I like intellectual films too, but 90% if the time the reason I watch something on a screen is because I require a break from mental activity.
Spoilers below, so close your eyes and count to 1000 if you don’t want to ruin your experience.
The story starts with night vision, pirates and hostages. The story ends with a plane flying away. The middle bit is about helping someone who had values. Being a mercenary clearly precludes you from having a soul.
There are a few really good moments though; the Bruce Willis and Arnie cameo was one of the best parts of the film. Dolf Ludgren played a very good character, well in my opinion that is, maybe it’s because I always had a soft spot for those swedes. Jet Li had also an excellent funny moment. Statham well was the transporter with a really bad script.
Apart from this there are some pretty explosions and a monster BOOM STICK moment but there is nothing that would strike you as wow or memorable.
So do you need to go and watch this? Well yes because if you are ever going to waste ninety minutes of your life you won’t get a sense of scale with a small TV. If however you realize that watching this will kill all your brain cells in once instant go watch something else such as Toy Story 3 or Inception.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Wednesday 18 August 2010
Socialism The Only Virtue Of Media
I was debating whether or not to write this expose of the wild world of social media. Social Media a term coined by the oh so informed media. I don’t know why it was coined as such; I mean there is no such thing as sociable media. The phenomenon grew from Myspace to myBook via twits. It corresponds to a desire to spread inane junk to the whole world.
Who care about the ugly boy at school that we bullied. We bullied him because he was a wastrel and now he is successful and wants to get petty revenge by showing off to all the people who ground him into the ground. What he does not realise is that even today we would still humiliate him. Being rich and successful is not an indication of strong character.
Why would I want to pretend to be friends with my first girlfriend ever who must have spend a fair while trying to figure out who Lemon Tree Man was from the hordes of other Lemon Tree Men. WE broke up for a reason, I don’t want to spend my life remembering the past, I want to move forward in life.
Who cares about what some drunk celebrity wants to say in 140 characters or less?
Seriously we are supposed to be intellectual beings and not absolute idiots. Social Media does not give us news, does not make us invent psychological friendships.
But the syndrome does not stop there, we are encouraged by everyone to share every sordid detail of our lives to everyone. At this rate the government will never need to spy again as we will volunteer all. Companies will no longer hire people as they can see them at their basest levels kissing pavements every Saturday night.
No need for courtship you can find out everything you ever wanted including your prospective partners credit history on the Social Media Scene.
So how do we cure this information overload? Why cure it I hear you cry? Well simply put life is boring if you know everything about everyone. What’s wrong with a little misery (oops *mistery), don’t you find it more fun discovering new things about people? I digress again! Cure it by not wasting your awake time looking for irrelevant information, no one cares what you are doing, no one cares how many ’online’ friends you have. No one wants to know who you did and when and if it was any good.
If you want to talk to someone I hear someone say.... well pick up the phone and arrange a meeting face to face, it would be more fun, you might scam a couple of beers and a dinner out of it. Better than spending it at home alone with a TV dinner and repetitive strain injuries because you can only type with your thumbs.
Help me help you give up on sharing.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Who care about the ugly boy at school that we bullied. We bullied him because he was a wastrel and now he is successful and wants to get petty revenge by showing off to all the people who ground him into the ground. What he does not realise is that even today we would still humiliate him. Being rich and successful is not an indication of strong character.
Why would I want to pretend to be friends with my first girlfriend ever who must have spend a fair while trying to figure out who Lemon Tree Man was from the hordes of other Lemon Tree Men. WE broke up for a reason, I don’t want to spend my life remembering the past, I want to move forward in life.
Who cares about what some drunk celebrity wants to say in 140 characters or less?
Seriously we are supposed to be intellectual beings and not absolute idiots. Social Media does not give us news, does not make us invent psychological friendships.
But the syndrome does not stop there, we are encouraged by everyone to share every sordid detail of our lives to everyone. At this rate the government will never need to spy again as we will volunteer all. Companies will no longer hire people as they can see them at their basest levels kissing pavements every Saturday night.
No need for courtship you can find out everything you ever wanted including your prospective partners credit history on the Social Media Scene.
So how do we cure this information overload? Why cure it I hear you cry? Well simply put life is boring if you know everything about everyone. What’s wrong with a little misery (oops *mistery), don’t you find it more fun discovering new things about people? I digress again! Cure it by not wasting your awake time looking for irrelevant information, no one cares what you are doing, no one cares how many ’online’ friends you have. No one wants to know who you did and when and if it was any good.
If you want to talk to someone I hear someone say.... well pick up the phone and arrange a meeting face to face, it would be more fun, you might scam a couple of beers and a dinner out of it. Better than spending it at home alone with a TV dinner and repetitive strain injuries because you can only type with your thumbs.
Help me help you give up on sharing.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Monday 16 August 2010
How To Make Life More Painful AKA Self Help Books
So do you feel you career is stalling? Having problems finding a partner? Want to get more out of life? Need tips on how to study? Want to quit smoking? Do you want to be successful? How to make a quick buck?
All those statements are undoubtedly book titles, no I have not done research into whether or not they exist, I am certain they do under one form another.
As society has progressed we have become so afraid that we no longer wish to take any decision and we are paralysed without the guidance of many self-styled guru’s. How hard can it be? If you want to stop smoking, quit! If your career is not fulfilling then change it! Want to make a quick buck, write a self help book! Etc...
Why do we need to rely on someone else to tell us what we need to do? Is this the result of nanny state and PC brigade?
So I have decided to write a self help book to. I have doubts that a publisher will accept it but it might be fun. I will call it “An Exercise In Cynicism: The True Guide To Being Miserably Happy!”. So all reader please feel free to send in your suggestions, so we can include many case studies.
Rules on writing self help books:
1) It should be more than a pamphlet but less than the average Clive Cussler novel.
2) Have a catchy title.
3) Have many case studies of success stories.
4) Find a gullible publisher.
5) Make sure the author has an intellectual sounding name.
So all the plans are in place now I need to get to writing.
Seriously people, how many do you own? Even I, the great Lemon Tree Man, has at least 3 that I can remember of the top of my head. I admit that two were bought as required reading for university and one was a gift from a ‘good’ friend. Can you believe it; a ‘friend’ thinks I need help so invests a large amount of money in purchasing this book in paperback no less. Paperback! Does he not know I collect books and so hardcover would look so much better?
Here is a message to this friend of mine, I was going to tell him on his wedding day be decided it would be better to post it for the world to see.
Dear Mate,
Thank you for your generous gift, I have now read this extravagant gift. I now realise the error of my ways and have decided to follow the glorious’ authors advice. So I am henceforth notifying you that you are going to erased (there was a movie about this a few years ago -> Eraser) from the great fairy tale of my life. I shall confine you to the place where I have put clown, snakes and crawl spaces. This does mean that I can no longer attend your wedding but for the sake of propriety and drunken promises I am going to delegate my presence to some outsourced firm who will send an ethnically suitable replacement.
All the best for the future,
Your witless friend.
Do you think it is too harsh?
Anyone else wish to give me advice?
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
All those statements are undoubtedly book titles, no I have not done research into whether or not they exist, I am certain they do under one form another.
As society has progressed we have become so afraid that we no longer wish to take any decision and we are paralysed without the guidance of many self-styled guru’s. How hard can it be? If you want to stop smoking, quit! If your career is not fulfilling then change it! Want to make a quick buck, write a self help book! Etc...
Why do we need to rely on someone else to tell us what we need to do? Is this the result of nanny state and PC brigade?
So I have decided to write a self help book to. I have doubts that a publisher will accept it but it might be fun. I will call it “An Exercise In Cynicism: The True Guide To Being Miserably Happy!”. So all reader please feel free to send in your suggestions, so we can include many case studies.
Rules on writing self help books:
1) It should be more than a pamphlet but less than the average Clive Cussler novel.
2) Have a catchy title.
3) Have many case studies of success stories.
4) Find a gullible publisher.
5) Make sure the author has an intellectual sounding name.
So all the plans are in place now I need to get to writing.
Seriously people, how many do you own? Even I, the great Lemon Tree Man, has at least 3 that I can remember of the top of my head. I admit that two were bought as required reading for university and one was a gift from a ‘good’ friend. Can you believe it; a ‘friend’ thinks I need help so invests a large amount of money in purchasing this book in paperback no less. Paperback! Does he not know I collect books and so hardcover would look so much better?
Here is a message to this friend of mine, I was going to tell him on his wedding day be decided it would be better to post it for the world to see.
Dear Mate,
Thank you for your generous gift, I have now read this extravagant gift. I now realise the error of my ways and have decided to follow the glorious’ authors advice. So I am henceforth notifying you that you are going to erased (there was a movie about this a few years ago -> Eraser) from the great fairy tale of my life. I shall confine you to the place where I have put clown, snakes and crawl spaces. This does mean that I can no longer attend your wedding but for the sake of propriety and drunken promises I am going to delegate my presence to some outsourced firm who will send an ethnically suitable replacement.
All the best for the future,
Your witless friend.
Do you think it is too harsh?
Anyone else wish to give me advice?
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Origami for the soul
Have you ever noticed that people who practise origami are always tidy, elegant and seem to have everything under control? I mean look at the unicorn man in Bladerunner, he might look like a greasy cop but somehow he looks distinguished and elegant with a sense of purpose. I once worked with a bloke who spent many a productive office hour creating fantastic origami gardens, he also looked clean and elegant and confident.
Where do I fit in, I learnt to make the said infamous unicorn, and did that make me elegant and stuff... no!
But it all boils down to organising oneself, really it does. Creating paper dreams requires precision and patience and clean hands too, white paper does get oh so dirty.
Are you the kind of person that never remembers what to do? Do you never know when it is time to pay the bills? If so then give it a go. Why because it’s a lot more fun than trying to use a diary and a calendar and sticky notes etc... All those things do is create more mess.
What I hear you say! Yes more mess, have you ever counted the number of different post it notes you have ever written, how many times have you looked at them again? I have a paper diary as I don’t trust electronics, oh the irony I hear you say, yes yes but it’s the principle that counts. The diary is so useful; I only ever use it to check the birthdays that I missed, because I forgot to check to diary before the correct day. My company provides me with a most useful calendar for scheduling of those soul fulfilling meetings, again I still manage to miss and double book despite having it open and staring at my face each and every day.
SO if anyone can prove me wrong, I dare you! I will even go so far as to provide the person who does a nice bottle of bubbly and if they have the misfortune of not drinking then fizzy grape juice will suffice. You have one week to rise up to the challenge.
So how do I start to cure my disorganisation disease, well simple I will master all the aspects of origami that I can. First the lotus flower, then the swan and finally the unicorn, again.... Well it has been a long time since I last had to do this. Once I complete my training I will master the art of organisation and of course will therefore seem like a tower of calm surrounded by a multitude of storms. This of course leads me to the main point of all this, well not really but it sounds amusing in my head, it will make me more attractive to the girl next door who will be so impressed with my artistic talent that she will swoon.
OK OK, I did say it sounded good in my head. It will probably have as much impact as me buying expensive shoes; but it will make me more confident (some might say obnoxious.... how they get that tenuous link, go figure).
So what is the outcome of being more organised? I am more happy, I have more time to do interesting things and well it makes me feel sexy (* wildly swinging hip movement moment*)
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Where do I fit in, I learnt to make the said infamous unicorn, and did that make me elegant and stuff... no!
But it all boils down to organising oneself, really it does. Creating paper dreams requires precision and patience and clean hands too, white paper does get oh so dirty.
Are you the kind of person that never remembers what to do? Do you never know when it is time to pay the bills? If so then give it a go. Why because it’s a lot more fun than trying to use a diary and a calendar and sticky notes etc... All those things do is create more mess.
What I hear you say! Yes more mess, have you ever counted the number of different post it notes you have ever written, how many times have you looked at them again? I have a paper diary as I don’t trust electronics, oh the irony I hear you say, yes yes but it’s the principle that counts. The diary is so useful; I only ever use it to check the birthdays that I missed, because I forgot to check to diary before the correct day. My company provides me with a most useful calendar for scheduling of those soul fulfilling meetings, again I still manage to miss and double book despite having it open and staring at my face each and every day.
SO if anyone can prove me wrong, I dare you! I will even go so far as to provide the person who does a nice bottle of bubbly and if they have the misfortune of not drinking then fizzy grape juice will suffice. You have one week to rise up to the challenge.
So how do I start to cure my disorganisation disease, well simple I will master all the aspects of origami that I can. First the lotus flower, then the swan and finally the unicorn, again.... Well it has been a long time since I last had to do this. Once I complete my training I will master the art of organisation and of course will therefore seem like a tower of calm surrounded by a multitude of storms. This of course leads me to the main point of all this, well not really but it sounds amusing in my head, it will make me more attractive to the girl next door who will be so impressed with my artistic talent that she will swoon.
OK OK, I did say it sounded good in my head. It will probably have as much impact as me buying expensive shoes; but it will make me more confident (some might say obnoxious.... how they get that tenuous link, go figure).
So what is the outcome of being more organised? I am more happy, I have more time to do interesting things and well it makes me feel sexy (* wildly swinging hip movement moment*)
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Friday 13 August 2010
Friday Washout And The News
Today is Friday and as usual my brain has stopped functioning. In consequence the witty banter that has been following me all week has dried up like an old prune. To be honest even my poor typing utensil has decided that today it’s going to have a go slow day too.
So I have decided to do the news. We all avidly read the news soaking up propaganda and advertorials, so why not show the world as it is. I personally only read the horoscopes and the cartoon pages. If there was anything interesting then someone would tell me about it. Why waste my precious time when I can get others to do it for me.
So without further ado the news:
It’s Friday the 13th, barricade the doors and don’t put out your washing as it will rain poison frogs.
The MOD has lost 20 Laptops containing confidential data.
War is illegal but so much fun, we want more.
BP share prices have dropped 1000000% due to perceived environmental threats.
Leftists are going to take over the world.
Killing animals for food must be done humanely! Become a vegetarian but only if you kill plans humanely.
Bankers are still getting big bonuses, the latest government poll shows.
1000000 squirrels drowned by angry fox hunters, RSPCA win 100m compensation through the courts for animal cruelty.
Don’t go on package holidays or you will be stranded after the sell and run tactics of tour companies.
Don’t bother flying because Unite union have got bored with BA and are going after BAA.
Unite members can’t be educated; they only learnt the first two letters of the alphabet!
As you can see there is no news apart from bad news. Actually the only good news would be.
Britons are rubbish at sport and still cannot understand why!
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
So I have decided to do the news. We all avidly read the news soaking up propaganda and advertorials, so why not show the world as it is. I personally only read the horoscopes and the cartoon pages. If there was anything interesting then someone would tell me about it. Why waste my precious time when I can get others to do it for me.
So without further ado the news:
It’s Friday the 13th, barricade the doors and don’t put out your washing as it will rain poison frogs.
The MOD has lost 20 Laptops containing confidential data.
War is illegal but so much fun, we want more.
BP share prices have dropped 1000000% due to perceived environmental threats.
Leftists are going to take over the world.
Killing animals for food must be done humanely! Become a vegetarian but only if you kill plans humanely.
Bankers are still getting big bonuses, the latest government poll shows.
1000000 squirrels drowned by angry fox hunters, RSPCA win 100m compensation through the courts for animal cruelty.
Don’t go on package holidays or you will be stranded after the sell and run tactics of tour companies.
Don’t bother flying because Unite union have got bored with BA and are going after BAA.
Unite members can’t be educated; they only learnt the first two letters of the alphabet!
As you can see there is no news apart from bad news. Actually the only good news would be.
Britons are rubbish at sport and still cannot understand why!
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Thursday 12 August 2010
Oh I paid my shoes.
Shoes:
A complex amalgamation of fabric and rubber in which to protect your feet from tiny stones and nails that may just happen to be lying on the ground.
Much better than sandals.
Apparently according to some sources:
Wearing shoes makes you lustful to the opposite sex.
Fine, Ok good, very nice. This does not tell me what shoes make me lustful. But I digress... again...
What has prompted me to discuss (read rant of faithful readers) shoes? Well I was standing outside in the smokers corner one day during a mini work break, and I was people watching. I saw things that horrified me and things that thoroughly impressed me.
Men please give up on sandals. Jesus could wear them because he was Special, you are not and heaven forbid wearing flipflops. You are in the middle of one of the worlds dirtiest cities and not on a pure white stretch of sand. How could you expose your evil wiggling things to the world, to let them be coated in grime and dirt and then go home traipsing that trash without a thought to hygiene. (this is making me cringe and want to puke people).
Girls, gladiator sandals were good for Rome and here in the land of the Queen we wore boots, there was a reason for this. It’s cold outside and DIRTY. Peep toe shoes and tights or stockings is a NO NO; it’s all in the name: PEEP TOE not peep mangy stocking tip. Don’t get me started on UGH boots, we are not in Canada where there is ice 10 months of the year!
What happened to elegance people? I know that we are degenerating as a race but Converse All Stars were out 20 years ago, do not prolong the pain. Your collective lack of taste is making me look like an angsty psycho!
Ok here are the rules for footwear:
Men:
No pointy shoes, you are not wizards so don’t.
Square toes, unless you are Frankenstein give up.
Sandals are for Cultists
Plimsolls are for Leftist Hippies
Trainers for chavs.
Go Oxfords go!
Girls:
Peeps toes but no other foot coverings.
High heels are in.
Balerina shoes are great as slippers at home!
Trainers are for sport
Boots of any kind are good
Gladiator sandals are only good as a testament of why the roman empire faded into nothing.
People please respect yourselves and me. Respect the rules
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
A complex amalgamation of fabric and rubber in which to protect your feet from tiny stones and nails that may just happen to be lying on the ground.
Much better than sandals.
Apparently according to some sources:
Wearing shoes makes you lustful to the opposite sex.
Fine, Ok good, very nice. This does not tell me what shoes make me lustful. But I digress... again...
What has prompted me to discuss (read rant of faithful readers) shoes? Well I was standing outside in the smokers corner one day during a mini work break, and I was people watching. I saw things that horrified me and things that thoroughly impressed me.
Men please give up on sandals. Jesus could wear them because he was Special, you are not and heaven forbid wearing flipflops. You are in the middle of one of the worlds dirtiest cities and not on a pure white stretch of sand. How could you expose your evil wiggling things to the world, to let them be coated in grime and dirt and then go home traipsing that trash without a thought to hygiene. (this is making me cringe and want to puke people).
Girls, gladiator sandals were good for Rome and here in the land of the Queen we wore boots, there was a reason for this. It’s cold outside and DIRTY. Peep toe shoes and tights or stockings is a NO NO; it’s all in the name: PEEP TOE not peep mangy stocking tip. Don’t get me started on UGH boots, we are not in Canada where there is ice 10 months of the year!
What happened to elegance people? I know that we are degenerating as a race but Converse All Stars were out 20 years ago, do not prolong the pain. Your collective lack of taste is making me look like an angsty psycho!
Ok here are the rules for footwear:
Men:
No pointy shoes, you are not wizards so don’t.
Square toes, unless you are Frankenstein give up.
Sandals are for Cultists
Plimsolls are for Leftist Hippies
Trainers for chavs.
Go Oxfords go!
Girls:
Peeps toes but no other foot coverings.
High heels are in.
Balerina shoes are great as slippers at home!
Trainers are for sport
Boots of any kind are good
Gladiator sandals are only good as a testament of why the roman empire faded into nothing.
People please respect yourselves and me. Respect the rules
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Engrish and the Virtues of Linguini
Welcome to my pet hate. Language specifically the English language. I understand the need to be creative with words, trust me I do my fair share of creating and twisting in order to satisfy my creative linguistics.
But please txt speak? Mail speak? There is no way this language, even with all the best will in the world, there is impossibility for genuine understanding unless you are fifteen, pimpled, tracksuit wearing chav.
Yes we hate chavs for everything they represent but more so for the corruption of the queen’s language.
I have to face it, I am getting old and I cannot understand any of it. After many hours of repetition and learning by rote I have grasped a few: LOL, M8, KEK, MDR, TTFN, ROFL, OMG, WTF, FTW etc.... all of which are included in the vast gaming world, so one does get used to it.
Today I saw an anonymous comment and the rage came upon me. I Quote:
‘GLHF. wtb RRS link to add to my reader’
GLHF? OMG WTF!!!!! And yes this deserves 5 exclamation marks.
If you are going to post such inane comments have the decency to NOT be anonymous, I don’t know who you are and nor do I care other than you read my crap!
Ok I get that you want RRS link, if you tell me how to do it then I will... Anyone?
Help me save the English language.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
But please txt speak? Mail speak? There is no way this language, even with all the best will in the world, there is impossibility for genuine understanding unless you are fifteen, pimpled, tracksuit wearing chav.
Yes we hate chavs for everything they represent but more so for the corruption of the queen’s language.
I have to face it, I am getting old and I cannot understand any of it. After many hours of repetition and learning by rote I have grasped a few: LOL, M8, KEK, MDR, TTFN, ROFL, OMG, WTF, FTW etc.... all of which are included in the vast gaming world, so one does get used to it.
Today I saw an anonymous comment and the rage came upon me. I Quote:
‘GLHF. wtb RRS link to add to my reader’
GLHF? OMG WTF!!!!! And yes this deserves 5 exclamation marks.
If you are going to post such inane comments have the decency to NOT be anonymous, I don’t know who you are and nor do I care other than you read my crap!
Ok I get that you want RRS link, if you tell me how to do it then I will... Anyone?
Help me save the English language.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
The Virtues of Thriftiness.
So buy one get one free, buy two get third free, buy 3 for 3 pounds, 20% off, value pack, family pack, econosave, 1st choice, sale all choices that assail you when you go anywhere be it on the street, in the shops, on the television, and even when I close my eyes.
What is the point? Why do we care are we really getting more value for our hard earned cash? Break it down to a unit price and soon you will discover that they are the same price or more than the ‘regular’ products. To which you must add value!
Value now that is a far more important criterion. Let’s take the example of tissues, whichever kind; the choice is down to your mental level; top to bottom honest. Ok I digress again, there is value single ply, normal double ply, exclusive triple ply and of course embalmed, aloe vera (that sounds like a bad French person greeting your long lost aunt Vera); what do you choose? The cheapest will give you sores and burst into shreds as soon as you approach it. The exclusive will run out before you find them and cost more than a plane ticket to Ibiza. So we exclude those from our selection as one has no value and the other is beyond our meagre taxed budget. We are now left with the multiple varieties of the ‘normal’ product. So what do you buy? You buy the same one you always bought! The boring plan normal product, so was your shopping experience more fulfilling by browsing the 30 or so varieties that you can choose from and reject?
Does buy the same old product make you a communist for believing that less choice is more? All things are equal. No of course not.
Well this brings me to the next item on the list. Is it green? Yes, is the categorical answer. Why scream the leftist non leather wearing hessians? Well you buy one value driven product and because it is the one that has been around for the last 50 years, it’s made in the same way with the same products in the same factory with the same packaging that it has always been composed of. HOW cries the leftish tie die hippy? Well dear Leftists, we did not make new factories, we did not find alternative plastic packaging for something, we did not make chemical ink that kills bees to print the flashy 3 for 2 or econosave branding. Oh and let’s be honest if you want to save the world stop us making infinite variants of the same things and branding it world saver. For everyone of the green products that we manufacture we have burned down 10 forest, killed thousands of bees and created some chemical compound that nature cannot assimilate all so that you can buy something that you believe is green. Yes it has value, green value but oh what did it take to make it?
All the boring standard products are still biodegradable, still use less packaging that the latest green craze.
So people the message today is be green and thrifty by buying the same products you always have. Change is sometimes evil, so save the bees by not changing.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
What is the point? Why do we care are we really getting more value for our hard earned cash? Break it down to a unit price and soon you will discover that they are the same price or more than the ‘regular’ products. To which you must add value!
Value now that is a far more important criterion. Let’s take the example of tissues, whichever kind; the choice is down to your mental level; top to bottom honest. Ok I digress again, there is value single ply, normal double ply, exclusive triple ply and of course embalmed, aloe vera (that sounds like a bad French person greeting your long lost aunt Vera); what do you choose? The cheapest will give you sores and burst into shreds as soon as you approach it. The exclusive will run out before you find them and cost more than a plane ticket to Ibiza. So we exclude those from our selection as one has no value and the other is beyond our meagre taxed budget. We are now left with the multiple varieties of the ‘normal’ product. So what do you buy? You buy the same one you always bought! The boring plan normal product, so was your shopping experience more fulfilling by browsing the 30 or so varieties that you can choose from and reject?
Does buy the same old product make you a communist for believing that less choice is more? All things are equal. No of course not.
Well this brings me to the next item on the list. Is it green? Yes, is the categorical answer. Why scream the leftist non leather wearing hessians? Well you buy one value driven product and because it is the one that has been around for the last 50 years, it’s made in the same way with the same products in the same factory with the same packaging that it has always been composed of. HOW cries the leftish tie die hippy? Well dear Leftists, we did not make new factories, we did not find alternative plastic packaging for something, we did not make chemical ink that kills bees to print the flashy 3 for 2 or econosave branding. Oh and let’s be honest if you want to save the world stop us making infinite variants of the same things and branding it world saver. For everyone of the green products that we manufacture we have burned down 10 forest, killed thousands of bees and created some chemical compound that nature cannot assimilate all so that you can buy something that you believe is green. Yes it has value, green value but oh what did it take to make it?
All the boring standard products are still biodegradable, still use less packaging that the latest green craze.
So people the message today is be green and thrifty by buying the same products you always have. Change is sometimes evil, so save the bees by not changing.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
It’s the end of the world.
Yes you heard it we are nearing the end of the world. We are surrounded by Zombies, iPod zombies! Ok the expression has not been invented by me, but it is a fair assessment. They have even started appearing in the traditional safe haven of computer gaming. Team fortress 2 is full of them.
How do you spot one? Easy they are the ones with those white tentacles hanging from the ears. Yes you heard it first here, they are everywhere. The next time you are walking down the street, on a bus, in the tube* count them, I guarantee its one in three who is a Zombie. During rush hour the number increases to 50%, they even try to hide by painting their tentacles black.
How do you protect yourself from them? Simply do not fall into the trap of apple fandom and become a mindless follower of the CULT. I confess to liking the appley products and I even own one of the classics but thankfully I don’t belong to the zombie crowd.
Start the zombie watch, don’t stand too close to them as they will knock you out the way and you may slip under the wheels of some large metal moving machine. They won’t know you are there, even if you try to talk to them they are unable to respond as they only hear radio 4, they vote leftist as they believe we are all equal and should all be the same as them. They worship the Jobs two times a year when he makes himself public.
Save yourselves to save me.
If you are wondering what the point was well.... you have fallen into the zombie trap so don’t bother.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
*Tube this for our foreign cousins is the same thing as the subway or metro
Addendum
Yes a queue at the new cult shop for willing Zombie followers..... arghh... save me save you!
Wednesday 11 August 2010
I Stream You Scream
While listening to some fancy tunes in my frozen cubicle via the great tool SPOTIFY; I started wondering about the wonders of music streaming.
Granted my boss can afford to have super fast Interwebs and well we are in the non-third world. What about when I get home? How will my super cheap Interwebs fare? Well quite well actually, in fact there is no difference.
But do I really want to stream all my content? No I like owning my stuff, I am a post modern materialist; I want to show off my music collection, my film collections so when I bring home the elusive female kind they can admire and wonder at my clear cultural superiority. I guess I need more books for that but I can hope no?
So streaming is not the way ahead for us mere mortals, it is on the other hand very useful. I don’t need to cart around my record collection, I can discover new bands risk free and see TV where no TV is available.
Well I promise I am getting to the point.
I am going to talk about a band that I discovered via Spotify, I can’t remember how or why I listened to them, but I have since decided that they deserve to be in my record collection.
I can’t really describe what they do its kind off like slightly punky rock and roll. It’s a modern version of 70’s rock. I guess they would not like the description but to my un-trained ear it’s what they are, being stuck in the 70’s as I am that is. In my humblest opinion they are finally one of the few bands of today who actually make nice music, I mean its not dance, hip-hop, r&B, bling bling tasticness.
They are a 3 album band and I wish them the best of luck.
So sign up to Spotify and give Gaslight Anthems a listen.
+3 rep for all the above
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Ah Lunchtime, the sacred break from doing stuff for some company in some dubious city. Yes you guessed it this is a hungry man’s post. So why would I want to write about lunch? I don’t I just want to write about one of the world’s most famous sandwiches: the DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER!
This is about semantics, why does a double cheese*burger* have twice the meat but only single cheese for each meat patty. Double cheese by definition means twice as much cheese! I want double the cheese without double the meat! It’s not from a love of dieting that this is the case, simply because cheese appeals to me more than meat. No I am NOT a wanna’ be vegetarian, I love meat too.
In any case I digress, why not double cheese, single meat? From a cost perspective one extra slice of cheese is cheaper than an extra slice plus beef patty? Surely it would make commercial sense. You could have a double cheeseburger and a cheese doubleburger, thereby giving more choice and making yourself more profitable.
Enough!
If you want to see great burgers go to the travel channel in the states or the food channel in the UK and watch Man V Food. You are guaranteed to feel hungry, it’s the perfect cure to a bland dry weekday sandwich, stale crisps and flat pop*.
The point of all this was that we want more cheese in our burgers, everyone knows that melted cheese tastes better the more there is.
Back to the grindstone doing more stuff for my anonymous grey corporate entity.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
*pop for you Americans refers to fizzy soft drink, most often known as Coca Cola, Lemonade, Irn Bru, Cherryade etc.... We do not distinguish between the brand product types to us its pop. So next time you go to the ‘Irish’ pub ask for pop! They won’t know what you mean, mind as they are Irish but any sensible English/Scottish person will!
Welcome
Welcome to the musings of Lemon Tree Man. Its always exciting to start a new blog, yes a new one, the old one has been decommissioned because it has become such an eclectic mix that it makes no sense. So onwards and upwards with this fresh start; maybe we can even be themed? Suggestions faithful readers?
There is a plan within a plan, there are a number of topics that will be covered but let’s keeps those a surprise for now.
Firstly I am going to point you to Lemon Tree Mods, a comprehensive log on PC modding projects. Yes this is shameless advertising but it’s something that is close to my heart. Well actually close to my everything as it has taken over half my house. Besides it’s always nice to show off, ok yes there are no posts yet because I have not got round to doing anything about it. So call it what you will, i will refer to it as strategic marketing.
Stop... I am going off on a tangent, I was only going to welcome you and ask you to follow whenever an interesting topic comes up.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
There is a plan within a plan, there are a number of topics that will be covered but let’s keeps those a surprise for now.
Firstly I am going to point you to Lemon Tree Mods, a comprehensive log on PC modding projects. Yes this is shameless advertising but it’s something that is close to my heart. Well actually close to my everything as it has taken over half my house. Besides it’s always nice to show off, ok yes there are no posts yet because I have not got round to doing anything about it. So call it what you will, i will refer to it as strategic marketing.
Stop... I am going off on a tangent, I was only going to welcome you and ask you to follow whenever an interesting topic comes up.
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
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