So do you feel you career is stalling? Having problems finding a partner? Want to get more out of life? Need tips on how to study? Want to quit smoking? Do you want to be successful? How to make a quick buck?
All those statements are undoubtedly book titles, no I have not done research into whether or not they exist, I am certain they do under one form another.
As society has progressed we have become so afraid that we no longer wish to take any decision and we are paralysed without the guidance of many self-styled guru’s. How hard can it be? If you want to stop smoking, quit! If your career is not fulfilling then change it! Want to make a quick buck, write a self help book! Etc...
Why do we need to rely on someone else to tell us what we need to do? Is this the result of nanny state and PC brigade?
So I have decided to write a self help book to. I have doubts that a publisher will accept it but it might be fun. I will call it “An Exercise In Cynicism: The True Guide To Being Miserably Happy!”. So all reader please feel free to send in your suggestions, so we can include many case studies.
Rules on writing self help books:
1) It should be more than a pamphlet but less than the average Clive Cussler novel.
2) Have a catchy title.
3) Have many case studies of success stories.
4) Find a gullible publisher.
5) Make sure the author has an intellectual sounding name.
So all the plans are in place now I need to get to writing.
Seriously people, how many do you own? Even I, the great Lemon Tree Man, has at least 3 that I can remember of the top of my head. I admit that two were bought as required reading for university and one was a gift from a ‘good’ friend. Can you believe it; a ‘friend’ thinks I need help so invests a large amount of money in purchasing this book in paperback no less. Paperback! Does he not know I collect books and so hardcover would look so much better?
Here is a message to this friend of mine, I was going to tell him on his wedding day be decided it would be better to post it for the world to see.
Dear Mate,
Thank you for your generous gift, I have now read this extravagant gift. I now realise the error of my ways and have decided to follow the glorious’ authors advice. So I am henceforth notifying you that you are going to erased (there was a movie about this a few years ago -> Eraser) from the great fairy tale of my life. I shall confine you to the place where I have put clown, snakes and crawl spaces. This does mean that I can no longer attend your wedding but for the sake of propriety and drunken promises I am going to delegate my presence to some outsourced firm who will send an ethnically suitable replacement.
All the best for the future,
Your witless friend.
Do you think it is too harsh?
Anyone else wish to give me advice?
Signing off
Lemon Tree Man
Having a tag team like Dirk Pitt & Giodino in your self help book will definitely up your chances of being a best seller...or rather, make it a cut above the rest kind of self help book...Hmm...call it a self help book with a twist! Hence, instead of the usual run of the mill plain old boring success stories, make them into storylines! This way, readers will also have to wreck a little of their brains to weed out the moral of the story or stories!
ReplyDeleteRight! Then the next thing will be to wish you good luck in conning *cough*..sorry, i meant convince a gullible publisher to print your book because the rest of the criteria listed isn't that difficult to come up with!
And as for your "good" friend, he did two things wrong :
1. NEVER get a friend a self help book UNLESS it was specifically requested
2. As a good friend, he should have at least taken the trouble to note your preference for hardcovers
Since you are the "unfortunate" recipient of the non hardcover book, how you mete out the "punishment" for your friend is entirely up your discretion (he has our deepest sympathies tho) ;)
So to all Lemon Tree Man's friends/faithful readers/fans, be warned - if you are to give him a book as a present, be warned.....NO paperbacks, ONLY hardcovers will do cos else you'll be banished to the deep end filled with creepy crawlies, clowns and crawl places!!! *shudders*